in the beginning...

at 11 days old i had my first open heart surgery and at 2 1/2 years old i had my second and hopefully my last. i knew at an early age, God took a little more time putting me together. 

as i grew i hardly ever had any abnormal symptoms or difficulties enjoying life...well almost any. as much as i enjoyed running around like a crazy little girl, i couldn't really play my hardest because i would get tired faster than others...but other than that, i couldn't complain. life was great for the first 20 years of my life. 

a little before i turned 21 i started having some "abnormal symptoms." i remember going into a panic every time my heart would feel like it froze and then palpitate so many times in a row. this caused me great fear. this is when i became very anxious about how i felt physically and it has not changed since.

after finding out what was wrong i was put on medication and started feeling normal again. 

time had past, i met the love of my life at church, got married, and had our beautiful baby girl all within 4 years (i know, i know that was fast). three months after having our daughter, something was not right. i was extremely fatigued, swollen and would wake up sometimes with shortness of breath. i wanted to ignore the signs but i couldn't. thankfully i had a scheduled echo appointment right on time. right away i received the call, "you have congestive heart failure and you might need a device inserted (like a pacemaker) along with all these medications to help control your heart..." i was devastated...all i could think about was my family. i mean my husband and i had just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary and our baby girl just arrived a couple months before-how could i leave them behind, how could i leave her without her mommy (oh Lord here come the tears). my heart sunk. as much as i wanted to be strong and know that God was going to carry us through it all, i wasn't. 

after that call and of course telling my husband and mom i went into the bathroom and cried. i was afraid, i was upset and all i could say is, "thank you God for allowing us to catch this early." and of course i told Him how afraid i was and how much i needed Him because i really felt so emotionally weak. was my heart strong enough to take it, i asked Him. then i remembered His word and how He would never give us more than we can bare. i felt encouraged at that moment but my anxiety and fears didn't allow any encouragement to last.

days passed and so did months and although i started to feel better physically, i fell into a huge depression. i couldn't get out of bed let alone the house. i was afraid, what if something happens when i leave the house, what if i get shortness of breath, what if i go into cardiac arrest-i mean the list goes on and on. 

even the things i used to enjoy i stopped doing, like driving, going to church, going outside. i was paralyzed. i lost friends, my family really didn't understand and i felt so insecure about who i was. 

all of this was the beginning, all of this changed my life and all of this is being opened up to you because it is about time that i share how (with the help of my family and God) i am still here today. i boldly open my mouth and share with you who i am. i am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a child of God. i may not have the ministry to sing (i wished i did) or play an instrument (i am so tone deaf) but i have my hands and i pray that whatever comes out of my typing tendinitis fingers that it touches your heart and that you may feel hopeful and encouraged to go on. 

one of my favorite sayings is (i'm not sure if this is a bible verse or not) but here it goes: WHILE THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE! 

So here is to hope! it is what God has placed in my heart, my healing heart...HOPE!