psalm 139

God’s Perfect Knowledge of Man

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall^[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
¹² Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

¹³ For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

¹⁹ Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
²⁰ For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.^[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
²² I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
²⁴ And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

during my therapy session yesterday, my therapist had me read out loud Psalm 139.

i felt so reassured and loved by God. it was the perfect way to end a session.  

as we get older and life occurs and our daily routine starts to take up our quality time with God we tend to forget how precious His words are toward us.

we forget what it is like to have the faith of a child.

we forget that even if our faith is the size of a mustard seed it can still move mountains.

we also forget how God sees us and because of that, we forget who we are.

during any sickness, disease, fear, worry etc...

we focus so much on the doubts and what-ifs.

i know i did. i know that i still do.

we tell ourselves that it is only human of us to think that way.

but the truth is, we are children of a Heavenly Father who is there to physically, emotionally and spiritually embrace us.

Let us not forget where we came from and what we were taught. Engrave it in your hearts, memorize His word and stay encouraged. for there is hope to the hopeless,

strength to the weary

and healing for the sick.

pray for one another and support eachother.

be encouraged. 

enough said.

the verse above has been engraved into my heart forever.

how comforting are His words...

 ^"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil,

to give you a future and a hope."

the fact that God thinks of me is amazing.

the fact that He takes the time to plan my life out from His busy schedule is priceless.

the fact that He wants peace in my life restores my joy and faith.

God has a plan, He knows why we go through what we go through, He knows what we can handle and He allows us to go through trials and tribulations to strengthen us day by day.

as much as i write to encourage others, i am also encouraging myself to keep the faith and look forward to the future, after all that's what God is aiming for, that's what He is hoping for.

...a rainy day...

monday and tuesday of this week were a little gloomy, it even drizzled a little but i did not mind it at all. i loved smelling the refreshing sent of wet dirt and seeing all of God's creations get watered by Him.

So since it was one of those gloomy fall-like days...we decided to have a rainy day schedule at home.

that included...

watching God water our flowers.

reading our favorite rhyming book to genesis.

and of course, she decided to read to us, too.

teaching her that no matter what the weather may bring, she makes us happy.

and introducing my husband to one of my favorite fall-like movies for the first time. he loved it!

and of course, remembering romans 8:28

just think...

you're here not by chance but by God's choosing.

His hand formed you and made you the person you are.

He compares you to no one else-

YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.

You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.

He has allowed you to be here at this time in history

to fulfill His special PURPOSE FOR THIS GENERATION.

- roy lessin

one million reasons why...

this is my daughter, genesis.

this little girl right here is why i do what i do. she is why i pull myself out of bed to go to work, she is why i am finally seeing a christian therapist to help with my anxiety and she is why i am writing my blog. 

i thank God for my precious daughter, after all it took 31hrs of labor for me to see here face to face, and after all that work to get her here, i want to enjoy every minute of her.

she has changed our lives so much and has pushed me to be a better person. i hope to be a positive example in her life and i pray that she learns how important God is in our lives. 

He loved us so much that He entrusted us with her and for that i am forever grateful. 

my deepest desire for her as a mother: that her love for God is so great, that whoever enters her life will need to search God's heart in order to find hers. 

baby girl, you are a million reasons why...

i love you and i am excited to see what the future holds for our family.

-its's barley 9am and it already hit me-

the picture above pretty much sums up what one feels when going through anxiety.

i already went through all those feelings within the first 3hrs of my day.

it all started with an "abnormal feeling" in my heart which caused the whole ride to work stressful. even though my sister was right next to me i didn't want to tell her.

as i got of the car and walked toward my work building, i really thought i was going to pass out. i felt like my heart was going to drop right then and there.

thankfully, i made it to my office without passing out, but i felt horrible. i wanted to cry, i wanted to go home and i wanted to crawl under my desk and rock my self back and forth.
you may wonder, how in the world can that symptom cause all that fear??? well, it can. anxiety paralyzes your state of mind.
i'm glad i got through this one.
i survived another episode, it was not pretty and death felt so close but i made it, thank God.

new hobby

i love these beauties...

i have found it very relaxing watering my little plants in hopes to start a bigger garden in the future. 

ever since i was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and anxiety i really look at life a whole lot differently then i did before. i used to just pass God's creations by and not really appreciate there beauty, but now i really stop to smell the roses. i love them and they make me happy  :)

i also have found a huge liking to art and the idea of restoring old furniture to a rustic style. it is one of my goals this summer to redo one of our coffee tables and hopefully find other pieces to transform our home decor to my ideal style...rustic/country garden. if you have any DIY ideas on gardening or restoration, let me know. i would love to hear them. 

i encourage any of you struggling with anxiety, sickness, fear etc...to start a hobby. it's not just to distract you from your problems but bring you happiness and peace. 

in the beginning...

at 11 days old i had my first open heart surgery and at 2 1/2 years old i had my second and hopefully my last. i knew at an early age, God took a little more time putting me together. 

as i grew i hardly ever had any abnormal symptoms or difficulties enjoying life...well almost any. as much as i enjoyed running around like a crazy little girl, i couldn't really play my hardest because i would get tired faster than others...but other than that, i couldn't complain. life was great for the first 20 years of my life. 

a little before i turned 21 i started having some "abnormal symptoms." i remember going into a panic every time my heart would feel like it froze and then palpitate so many times in a row. this caused me great fear. this is when i became very anxious about how i felt physically and it has not changed since.

after finding out what was wrong i was put on medication and started feeling normal again. 

time had past, i met the love of my life at church, got married, and had our beautiful baby girl all within 4 years (i know, i know that was fast). three months after having our daughter, something was not right. i was extremely fatigued, swollen and would wake up sometimes with shortness of breath. i wanted to ignore the signs but i couldn't. thankfully i had a scheduled echo appointment right on time. right away i received the call, "you have congestive heart failure and you might need a device inserted (like a pacemaker) along with all these medications to help control your heart..." i was devastated...all i could think about was my family. i mean my husband and i had just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary and our baby girl just arrived a couple months before-how could i leave them behind, how could i leave her without her mommy (oh Lord here come the tears). my heart sunk. as much as i wanted to be strong and know that God was going to carry us through it all, i wasn't. 

after that call and of course telling my husband and mom i went into the bathroom and cried. i was afraid, i was upset and all i could say is, "thank you God for allowing us to catch this early." and of course i told Him how afraid i was and how much i needed Him because i really felt so emotionally weak. was my heart strong enough to take it, i asked Him. then i remembered His word and how He would never give us more than we can bare. i felt encouraged at that moment but my anxiety and fears didn't allow any encouragement to last.

days passed and so did months and although i started to feel better physically, i fell into a huge depression. i couldn't get out of bed let alone the house. i was afraid, what if something happens when i leave the house, what if i get shortness of breath, what if i go into cardiac arrest-i mean the list goes on and on. 

even the things i used to enjoy i stopped doing, like driving, going to church, going outside. i was paralyzed. i lost friends, my family really didn't understand and i felt so insecure about who i was. 

all of this was the beginning, all of this changed my life and all of this is being opened up to you because it is about time that i share how (with the help of my family and God) i am still here today. i boldly open my mouth and share with you who i am. i am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a child of God. i may not have the ministry to sing (i wished i did) or play an instrument (i am so tone deaf) but i have my hands and i pray that whatever comes out of my typing tendinitis fingers that it touches your heart and that you may feel hopeful and encouraged to go on. 

one of my favorite sayings is (i'm not sure if this is a bible verse or not) but here it goes: WHILE THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE! 

So here is to hope! it is what God has placed in my heart, my healing heart...HOPE!

:keep breathing:

i tell myself this everyday.

hello, my name is joanna and i am a part-time stay at home mommy and a part-time employee.

i finally found the courage and strength to open up about my personal struggles in hope to help someone find courage, support and comfort knowing that they are not alone. i struggle with horrible anxiety and to top it all off i was diagnosed with congestive heart failure just three months after having my daughter. its been a bumpy ride but i thought i'd share it with you.